Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) (WDCpix)
Candidates Maneuver for Edge in Debates
For Venues, McCain Wants a Simulated Vietnamese Cell, Obama a Basketball Court
By Bruce McCall
08/05/2008
| 2 Comments
Candidates on both sides agree that it’s high time for that old tradition of conniving to rig presidential debates to favor one side or the other. The two major parties are again maneuvering for even petty advantages to undercut the fair and equal exchange that might help voters make intelligent choices.
Sen. Barack Obama, the presumed Democratic nominee, has gone on record to state that he will debate Sen. John McCain, who has clinched the GOP nomination, "one-on-one anytime anywhere -- as long as it’s on a basketball court.”
Illustration by: Matt Mahurin
For his part, the Arizona senator declared, “I ask only that any debate be conducted on a 100 percent equal playing field. For example, fair play calls for the taller person -- in this case, Sen. Obama -- to stand on his knees at the lectern to negate the blatant stature gap.”
Democratic operatives are said to be pushing a rule that both debating candidates be made up to look like Frankenstein's monster, firmly squelching any potential appeals to racism created by one looking white and the other black. The Republicans, meanwhile, are pressing for a counter-initiative requiring both debaters to wear novelty-store Groucho glasses-and moustache disguises, canceling out Obama’s unearned edge of a more youthful appearance.
Still under discussion is whether the candidates’ wives should be hooded whenever on-camera, so as not to skew voter judgment based on irrelevant opinions of potential first ladies’ relative charm and attractiveness.
McCain’s handlers will almost certainly fail, however, in requesting that their candidate be allowed to debate while lying trussed on a cot in a simulated Vietnamese prison cell. It was they, after all, who earlier nixed the Obama side's plan to dress up their man to look like his fellow lanky Illinoisian, Abe Lincoln.
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of "All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall" and "Zany Afternoons."
CATEGORIES IN THIS STORY:
© 2007 The Washington Independent
Comments:
Posted 08/05/2008 11:20pm with
I give McCain a tip of the hat for trying to build what the kids today call “street cred”. “Turning out” Cindy at a biker rally not only builds “cred”, it has caused me to fog my tri-focals. Along the same line his giving speeches in “tongues” while making it hard to know what the hell he’s talking about, does wonders with the charismatic voters. I going to align myself with those rascally pundits and ignore Obama totally, and endorse that impish little septuagenarian.
Posted 08/12/2008 12:41pm with
Lets see my choice is cranky old John McCain or that energetic young, smart black man Barack Obama?
McCain who does not know how to use a computer but is willing to learn if we elect him – I’ll just vote for that smart black man.
My Choices are: John McCain who says the economic downturn is psychological? – Na! I’ll vote for the smart black man.
McCain who says you are better off under George Bush? – Nope I’ll vote for the smart black man.
Mc Cain who wants to continue killing more people looking for weapons of mass destruction that do not exist? – Gee! I’ll vote for the smart black man.
McCain who believes that we should stay the course but is not willing to support the people he puts in harms way. – I’ll take a chance on the smart black man.
Should I vote for a man that does not know that 9-11 was caused by Osama Bin Laden not Sedam Hussein? – Easy! I’ll vote for the smart black man.
Vote for the man who does not know if the Sunnis or Sheits are our enemies? – No way I’ll vote for the smart black man.
Vote for the man who helped put our government on the China, Saudi Arabia credit card? – Not a chance I’ll vote for the smart black man.
Vote for the man with the worst temper in the Senate to have his finger on the nuclear button? – No way – I’ll vote for the smart black man.