Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.)(WDCpix)
McCain's Answer to Nation's Economic Woes
GOP Hopeful Suggests Powerball Lottery, Drilling
By Bruce McCall
08/20/2008
| 2 Comments
Sen. John McCain, the presumed Republican presidential nominee, spoke from the heart today in setting forth his economic views and policies for a financially troubled America.
"I know what it's like to have to take a loan from your wife's trust fund, just to pay the surcharge on aviation fuel to fly the family Gulfstream IV to your weekend cabin," McCain said, voice trembling. "I'm as concerned as all my fellow Americans about making sure all my horses have enough to eat. I personally know the humiliation of having to ask the wife not once, not twice, but three times this year for a raise in my allowance."
Moving on to economic specifics, the Arizona senator announced a Housing Crisis Rescue Package, a broadly based program that would reduce the number of houses in America while, at the same time, deporting millions more people to Mexico. "With both fewer houses and fewer people," he explained, "the surpluses would dry up, demand would revive, prices would soar again. Problem solved.
"As for the menace of inflation," he continued, "I learned a long time ago at Annapolis that the opposite of inflation is deflation. So to prevent runaway inflation we must immediately begin deflating everything possible, and right now: tires, basketballs, party balloons, blimps. Enough stuff deflated and inflation won't have a chance."
McCain returned to the personal in his closing remarks. "My heart," he said, "goes out to all those Americans who have maxed out their American Express platinum cards trying to keep their favorite five-star restaurants from going under."
The senator also demonstrated his ability to stay on point. "You know," he said, "just this morning, a man I think is one of my gardeners said to me, 'Excellency, why do so many people in this wonderful land of plenty feel so sad, when anybody can win the Powerball Lottery and be rich like you?'
"What I told that man was, as usual, straight talk: 'Unless we keep drilling for oil, exploring for oil, importing oil, strengthening the Oil Depletion Allowance while gutting environmental laws, I won't be rich like me for long.' Or I think I said something like that. You get the general idea."
Bruce McCall, a humorist, is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and Vanity Fair. He is the author of "All Meat Looks Like South America: The World of Bruce McCall" and "Zany Afternoons."
CATEGORIES IN THIS STORY:
© 2007 The Washington Independent
Comments:
Posted 08/22/2008 10:12am with
Humor works the best when it is closest to the truth. Thanks for a good laugh and some trepidation.
Posted 08/22/2008 05:12pm with
McCain’s private pilot—No, not that one. The white one—who was waiting nearby, offered the listeners at the outskirts of the small crowd of reporters an additional insight into the candidate’s committment to America’s economic recovery. He revealed that just that morning his boss had mentioned that when he became president he would challenge the Chinese premier to a game of craps (“an all-nighter, if necessary”). “House odds, hell,” the feisty ex-POW exclaimed, “I can’t wait to rattle some bones on that Oval Office rug. My friend,” he reportedly told the pilot, “Then the budget will be back on track. I won’t have to ask Cindy for a raise in my allowance, either.” The pilot, who declined to be identified by name, then asked rhetorically, “Of course, you already knew he was a POW, didn’t you?”